Idleness. have u ever been trapped in idleness? frankly, the experience is tremendously hard-feeling, awkul, dizzy, ambiguous, disgusting, ridiculous, contradictive, horrible..........like drugs, dun try..... then u won`t addict.... probably, sometimes, u would intentionally distort your daily life to be depraved in order to vent the detest toward yourself ; occasionally, somehow u quite long for the time be stationary at this depraved meaningless and hard moment, but generally, this horrible vision would immediately disappear after a shiver.... it sounds u are self-adhorrence....self-abuse... u would, perhaps, block or seal yourself tightly to prevent all the connection with those who is subjectively classified as better-off ; u frenetically hate reporting your recent happening to others, since they are merely no difference, worthless to mention; Also u dun want to c others shocking gesture after knowing "your recent happenings are all the same monotonus".... u want to lay yourself in the absolute silence, but at the same time u request and grumble, " pls dun be so silent."; u feel especially helpless in every morning, u duno wht u should do in the day,either meaningful or meaningless, cos u ve already done all the possiblities several times. in an afternoon X, u feel inferior to others while u wanna pick up your courage to phone others...... but your introspection and realization stopped u. it reminded u that everyone is concentrating on their meaningful business...."how abt u , wht de hell u are doing, man ? wht guy u can phone to ? hah ...." day after day, u become self-denied. u dun trust yourself anymore, even if your history was splendid......now, it is too abstract to your self to trust ; intrinsically, i know u are eager to believe "there will be the day" such old skool but warm phrases, and actually u did it many times, however, the reality always hinder eventually. well, u hate reality to a certain extent ; u are a professional actor during this period. while in front of ppl, u always perform a charater which is clam and at ease. "well, i m alrite~" unfortunately, the writer is still trapped in the......idl...e..n.... | 